Very Bad Accident

A hunter was out enjoying a nice morning in the woods when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged ... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor, who said, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Chicago Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes!"

Christmast According to Psychiatric Patients

Christmast is over, how'd you spend your time? Was it happy, boring, or sad day?
We've surveyed some psychiatric patient what they think about christmast, and we've got some funny answers:

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Homicidal --- Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and I was Driving....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Depressed --- Blue Christmas & I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy, can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

German Tourist in NYC

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In
Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.)The local
guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER
here, you MORON!"  The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to
the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

Catholic Childrens

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, her figure is 38D - 24 - 34. When she walks into a room, people say,

"Oh My God !"

Old Age Romance

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.


she said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.


Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck. "Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.


"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How yadoin'?"His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before."Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam thedoor, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is havingnone of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a realbitch tonight, Dave."

Three Types

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?

A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."

Elderly Couple in Doctor's Office

An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the doctor, "Doctor, we want
to have a baby." The doctor replies,"At your age I don't think it's possible, but I'll give
you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample."
So the couple comes back a few days later.They give the doctor an empty jar.
The doctor says,"I was afraid of this." The old man says,"No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her right hand. She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the lid off the jar."

I'm The Right Man!

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Heart Specialist Doctor Funeral

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

Cultural Difference

An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into
the water since it was fairly secluded.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Chinese quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Japanese covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the American and the Chinese asked the Japanese why he covered his face rather than his private part.

The Japanese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize."

Funny Doctors Real Stories

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear.. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs – and I was in the wrong one!
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed my stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patients anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

Viagra Prescription

An older man goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra and requests the largest dose possible. The doctor asks why he needs so much and the man explains that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor nods and fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same man goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks: “Why? Is your penis in that much pain?”

“No,” the man responds. “It’s for my wrists - the girls never showed up!”

US - Japan Boat Race

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, canceled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

Qrazy Actual Newspaper Headlines

Here are the examples of rumbling and crazy actual newspaper headlines. Sorry I have no picture for these, just enjoy!

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

4. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

5. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

6. War Dims Hope for Peace

7. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

8. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

9. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.

10. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

11. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

12. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

13. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

14. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

15. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead