Three Types

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?

A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."

Elderly Couple in Doctor's Office

An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the doctor, "Doctor, we want
to have a baby." The doctor replies,"At your age I don't think it's possible, but I'll give
you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample."
So the couple comes back a few days later.They give the doctor an empty jar.
The doctor says,"I was afraid of this." The old man says,"No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her right hand. She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the lid off the jar."

Grand Theft Auto Vs Flogger Mashup!

Hillarious fight!

I'm The Right Man!

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Funny Salvador Dali's Quotes

*"The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot."

*"What is an elegant woman? An elegant woman is a woman who despises you and who has no hair under her arms."

*"The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad."

*"Picasso is a painter, so am I; Picasso is Spanish, so am I; Picasso is a communist, neither am I."

*"The problem with the youth of today' is that one is no longer part of it."

*"At the age of six years I wanted to be a chef. At the age of seven I wanted to be Napoleon. My ambitions have continued to grow at the same rate ever since."

*"Many people do not reach their eighties because they spend too much time in their forties."

*"I tried sex once with a woman and that woman was Gala. It was overrated. I tried sex once with a man and that man was the famous juggler Federico Garcia Lorca [the Spanish Surrealist poet]. It was very painful."

*"I do not take drugs. I am drugs."

*"You know le worst thing is freedom. Freedom of any kind is le worst for creativity. You know, Dali spent two months in jail in Spain, and these two months were le most enjoyable and happy in my life. Before my jail period, I was always nervous, anxious. I didn’t know if I should make a drawing, or perhaps make a poem, or go to le movies or le theatre, or catch a girl, or play with the boys. Le people put me in jail, and my life became divine. Tremendous!"

in case you have no idea who is Salvador Dali, look here

Joke on Bush

see more Political Pictures

Heart Specialist Doctor Funeral

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."